I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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