Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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