People in love make me want to vomit
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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