The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I didn't notice because vodka
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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