I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
