Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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