I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
