If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
