i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
