he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
