Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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