saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
