I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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