Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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