I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
