The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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