Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
