I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
