oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
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