the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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