My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
