Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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