my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
