I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
