theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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