I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Boobs speak an international language.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
