Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
