i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
