a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
