And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
