I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You can't just leave with hair like that
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
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