she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Randomize
