She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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