My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
