The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
