My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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