we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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