I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
