Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
