Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
even my farts smell like vagina
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
