I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
