so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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