Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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