the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
