Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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