I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
My pussy is not your playground.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
