The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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