I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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