I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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