so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
why do cheetos always look like penises
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
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wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
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My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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