dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
