Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
