I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
