everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
