How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
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