I cannot find my penis.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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