I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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