bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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